Hello, yes you, hello.
I bet you weren’t expecting to hear from me. To be honest I wasn’t ever expecting you to feature here. My life has none of you in it. Part of me knows this is for the very very best, but there’s a tiny little part of me that wants to know how you’re doing, where you are, what your life is like without me in it. I’m selfish, yes. But there’s part of me that misses the good that you gave me. It wasn’t all good. I know.
I need to get you off my chest. I don’t think about you much, those songs have (mostly) stopped reminding me of you and I can look back at those memories we made as just memories – they sit happily in my brain and in my heart rather than hurting. We made lots of memories together. Some of them good memories, some not so good… but they’ll all stay with me forever.
We had some amazing times together, you were amazing to me – I had never been with anyone like you – you always knew what I needed before I said and sometimes before I even knew myself. You seemed to ‘get’ me. I’m not daft though, we had some not so good times – times we really didn’t get along, times we couldn’t get on the same page of the book, times our lives and our philosophies just did not match. We always seemed to patch through them though. Until that day we just couldn’t any more. I remember it well. There’s no blame to be put on anyone, I understand that. But it hurt.
I learned a lot from you. I learned what I don’t want. I learned what I need in my future relationships. I learned what I deserve. I learned where my own misgivings are. You changed something in me and I’m eternally grateful. You never faltered in your generosity. You were amazing to me. It worked when it was good but when it didn’t it was a total shambles. There were times when it wasn’t easy, it felt like there was always something in the way and I always felt like it was a ‘me’ thing, like it was my fault.
I’ll never forget the first time we kissed, how much you made me laugh, how much we laughed together, how you took me places I’d never been before (or ever imagined that I would get to go) but I now need those things to not kill me. There’s things I let go of quickly. There’s still things that I can’t let go of. You had a personal text tone so I knew when it was you who texted me but it still haunts me – I’ve tried countless times to assign it to someone else but each time I try my heart just plummets. That’s one thing I can’t let go of… it’s always the really stupid, little things.
I was so proud to be yours, to be us but it was never allowed, always just a quiet thing. I know there’s reasons for this and I get it. It was fine at the time but I learned that I don’t want to be that again. I loved you, I really did. We didn’t get what we needed from each other – we weren’t what the other needed. Somehow that was never an issue, until it became evident it was. Eventually that became too big a stone to push.
If you do somehow come across this I don’t want you to be upset or angry – I didn’t write this to upset you.
I miss you every day. I hate that I have no idea how you are or what you’re doing – but I think this way is for the best. This way there is no way back in for me. I think I would take the way back in if it was offered.
Thank you for everything you gave me – your time, the laughter, your generosity, the thoughts, to travels, the secret smiles – you were certainly a joy to be with.